[DEEP 13]

Dr. Clayton Rikonister is fiddling with a keypad. TV's Flash is in the background doing kung fu moves
DR R: Ah my Matrixizer is a success. TV's Flash has downloaded all of Keannu Reeves's cool Matrix kung fu moves
Flash: Whoah.
Dr. R: So, TV's Flash, how does it feel to be Matrizized?
Flash: Whoah.
Dr. R: Uh, Flash... You OK?
Flash: Whoah
Dr. R: Uh, Flash, Can you sing the South Park song?
Flash *to the tune of South park*: Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah... whoah whoa whoah whoah...
Dr. R: OK, that is enough! Damn. I hope I can reverse this!


AnubisXy Nelson: Wow! Dr. R: Turning poor TV's Flash into Keannu Reeves! That's evil even for you
Tee Servo: Yeah you big jerk!
Rikronian: Hey come on, don't be so hard on the guy! He's not that bad. Besides he has a cool voice
Tee Servo: You WOULD say that!

[DEEP 13]

Dr. R: Ah there. THAT should do it!
Flash: Hey dude, like dude this
Dr. R: *fiddles with a dial* Damn, now it's et to Alex Winter, ah here we go
Flash: Excellent! Party time!
Dr. R: Wayne's World? When did I program THAT in? Oh to hell with it *throws panel away and hits TV's Flash on the head with giant foam rubber mallet*
Flash: Ow!
Dr. R: Push the button Flash
Flash: What if I don't want to push the button?
Dr. R: *Using evil Jedi power*: You want to push the button Flash
Flash: Ha! Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me!
Dr. R: Oh to hell with it! *Hits TV's Flash with the mallet again, hits the button on the downswing*

[Flashing lights and sirens]

AX: Aaah! We ahev SwankySign!


A trio of sillhouettes walk into the theater then are chased out by AnubisXy Nelson "Hey get out! shoo! THis isn't Phase World!"

Ok.. I was bored, so I decided to do the first part of a three part series, based around Star Wars. I'm kind of in a Star Wars mood (as the new movie will be out in just 10 more days!!!) I shall be using various Rifts Board members in place of the normal actors. This will probably take 3 parts to do the whole New Hope movie. Then I'll move on to Empire Strikes back and Return of the Jedi. I'll try to get as many people into it as I can... enjoy!

AX: OK, so we can expect nine of these then
Rikronian: NINE?! Ack what will I do?
Tee Servo: Probably say several crude and off color riffs
Rikronian: Oh yeah
AX: You'd BETTER not!

The Cast

Princess Leia: Anya - Princess Anya
Darth Vader: Cybermessiah - Cyber Vader
C-3PO: Gryphon - G-3Ryphono
R2-D2: Ottergame - Otter2-D2
Luke Skywalker: AnubisXy - Anubis Xywalker

Rikronian: Oh sure! The writer makes himself the star! Don't you think that's a bit egotistical?
Tee Servo: Well, Luke is better known as Wormie and that whining brat who kissed his sister int he second movie, so I'd say it's more self-deprecating humor
AX: Hey! Luke is cool!
Rikronian: Suuure AX... Whatever you say...

Uncle Owen: only make sense that Bearslayer does it - Uncle Bearslayer
Aunt Beru: Well... sorry LadyBearslayer, but you get stuck with the part.. - Aunt Bearslayer
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Rikonain - Obi-Wan Rikonian
Dr Evanza: Orion - Dr. Orion
Panda Baba: Guyver - Panda Guyver
Han Solo: Tee-Moss - Tan Mosso
Chewbacca: Edopode - Chedopacca
Greedo: Flash Fighter - Flashoerro
Stormtroopers: Stormax (duh) - Stormaxers

Ok.. lets start off..

Tee Servo: Or not

[Scene opens up. There is a small ship fleeing from a huge one. Bang bang bang, the ship rocks from the lasers.

Rikronian: Yes! Dr. bang is in this!
Tee Servo: Uh, Kro, I think that's a sound effect
Rikronian: Damn! Well hey, at least they're rocking from those lasers! Hey if the band has a laser show, it could be KISS!
Tee Servo: Uh, Kro...
Rikronian: What?
Tee Servo: Uh, never mind

The view zooms inside the ship where we see G-3ryphono and Otter2-D2 agruing like normal. They run around for a bit. There is a loud sound is the smaller ship gets sucked up into the Cyber Destroyer. The door bursts open and we see like 20 Stormaxers trying to get through. There is a huge hail of gunfire, and several Stormaxers die. However they manage to kill the alliance fighters. Meanwhile, G-3ryphano and Otter2-D2 are walking around. They come across Princess Anya

Rikronian: Haha! They co--- Mmmph mpph mumble mpph
AX: *Holding Rikronian's beak shut* I warned you about that

who sticks some plans somewhere inside Otter2-D2.

Tee Servo: Exactly WHERE inside O2D2 did she put them?
AX: Oh no, not you too...
Tee Servo: What can IU say... Rikronian is a bad influence

Camera moves back to enterence. We see Cyber Vader walking in. He looks around for a bit and then walks over to some captive]

Poor guy who is gonna die: (in a choked voice) "We're on a mission from Alderrant.. this is a counslers ship."

Rikronian: I hope it's Counsellor Troi's ship! She has great Mpph mpph!
AX: Now cut that out!
Rikronian: What?! I was going to say that she has great characterization and wit!
AX: Oh sorry
Rikronian: Of course now that I think about it... she really does have great knockers
AX: Kro!

Cyber Vader: "If this is a counslers ship, where is the ambassador?"

Tee Servo: Hey, Kro, he's CyberBater..
Rikronian: Good one Tee
AX: Oh I give up you two!

[Cyber Vader easily snaps the poor guys neck. Doh!]

Rikronian: He killed Homer Simpson?! This guy has to be stopped!

Bootlicker1 "Sire, an escape pod was jettisoned during the flight..."

Cyber Vader: "She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send down a team to retrieve them"

Bootlicker1 "Yes Lord Vader"

[Some Stormaxers brings Anya up to Vader. He looks her over]

Tee Servo: Sick! That's his daughter he's looking over!
AX: No more Jerry Springer for you two!

Cyber Vader: "Neener neener neener! Now I have you!"

AX: Hmm, for a Dark Lord of the Sith he has kind of immature dialog

Anya: "Huh.. go to hell"

Cyber Vader: "How dare you! You cannot insult me like that! Ha, I will torture you!"

Anya: "Your a big poopoo head!"

[Cyber Vader goes off to pout in his room]

[Ok ok.. blah blah blah. The 2 droids get captured by Jawas and sold to Anubis and his Uncle. Anubis is cleaning them off when a hologram appears]

Rikronian: This sucks! You can't just sell droids liek that!
Tee Servo: Yeah! We demand droids' rights!
Rikronian: Yeah the least they could do is not sell teh poor droids to a guy called Wormie!

Princess Anya: "help me Obi-Wan Rikonain, you're my only hope"

[She repeats this message ad nasium]

AX: Ad nauseum? That's what happens when you see one too many Mentos ads!

Anubis "Hey! Cool, a chick! yes!! Cool! err umm... I mean, Hmm.. who is Rikonian.. hmm oh well, I'll go ask Uncle. Take care you two robots"

[Anubis walks inside to where Uncle and Aunt Bearsalyer are eating breakfast. He sits down]

Uncle Bearslayer: "Hey Anubis, take those two droids down to the shop and get their memories erased... We need somemore droids for the harvest"

Anubis: "But Uncle! I think these droids belong to some old fart named Obi-Wan Rikonian... maybe he means old Bob"

Uncle Bearslayer: "Nah, Bob Rikonian is a crazy old man who lives out beyond the dune sea. Now shut the hell up and drink your goddamned blue milk. It's good for you and it's expensive!"

Anubis: "But dad! Blue milk tastes nasty! Can't I have some booze instead?"

[Aunt Bearslayer reaches over and smacks Anubis on the head with a spoon]

Tee Servo: SPOOOON!!!

Aunt Bearslayer: "Damnit Anubis! Shut the hell up and do what your uncle tells you! Sheesh, your a spoiled brat country bumpkin! And besides, you're not old enough to drink yet."

AX: (as AnubisXyWalker): Uh... oh yeah? Well you two will be dead soon and then I'll be able to get all the booze and skany chicks and other stuff that I want... so THERE!
Tee Servo: Wow AX, issues from your childhood?
AX: Uh no, just making fun of Wormie, that's all! Really!

Anubis: "Yeeoch! Damn ok ok I was just wondering if I could because I heard my friend Biggs gets to drink whiskey for breakfast"

Aunt Bearslayer: "If your friends all jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?"

Anubis: "Of course, what are friends for?"

All: Waa waa WAA

[Aunt and Uncle Bearslayer look at eachother. The wisper a couple of things to one another. Anubis chugs some blue milk. Then he goes back in the garage and looks around the the robots. He finds out that Otter2-D2 went nuts and took off to find Obi-Wan Rikonian. He chases them down and gets the crud beat out of him by some Sand person dude. However, Bob Rikonain arrives just in time to drive them off]

Rikronian: Hey look! It's the dude from Trainspotting! He's all old now!
AX: No, he's 32
Tee Servo: Really?
AX: Yep, that's what heroin will do to ya

Anubis: "hey Ben. I think these droids are yours.. there is a message for an Obi-Wan Rikonian... do you know him?"

Rikonian: "Hmm.. Obi-Wan Rikonian.. now that is a name I haven't heard for a long time.."

Anubis: "So you know him?"

Rikonian: "Umm... errm... yeah, I think so.... umm... no, actually I don't sorry. My memory isn't so great anymore..."

Rikronian: Try some ginko! Larry King swear by it!

[Suddenly a big spoon flies from offcamera and smacks Rikonain in the head. He curses and looks around]

Tee Servo: SPOOOOON!!!!
Rikronian: Uh, that is getting old, Tee

Rikonain: "Oh yeah! Duh, nevermind, he's me! I'm Obi-Wan Rikonian.. sorry, I was out carousing around Mos Eisley last night, and kind of had a little to much to drink, and man, I met this chick and DAMN she was... err.. nevermind"

Anubis: "Tell me tell me!!"

Rikonian: "Sorry, I can't.. maybe I'll tell you when you're 60.. but man I couldn't believe it when she said she WOULD do it! I've been waiting almost 54 years for that to happen... err.. nevermind"

Anubis: "Oh come on.. you can tell me"

Rikonian: "Well.. ok, here it goes..."

[Rikonian tells Anubis a story that literally makes Anubis' jaw drop.

Rikronian: I bet a battery was involved!
AX: Kro!
Tee Servo: Uh guys... can we move on?

Then they head back to Riks house. They talk for a bit and G-3ryphono whines a bit then Otter2-D2 plays that message. They talk some more and G-3ryphano shuts himself off (thank god)]

Rikonian: "Oh yeah.. almost forgot (sorry.. getting senile here). Your dad wanted you to have this when you got older"

[Rikonain walks over and pulls out a really keen Swanksaber]

Rikronian: hey, I've got a swanksaber... hehehe
AX: Kro! I warned you for the last time!
Rikronian: No, I mena I have an energy sword weapon in my room. What did you think yI was talking about?
AX: Uh, well
Rikronian: Wow, YOU have a dirty mind

Anubis: "Kewl! lemme see it lemme see it!!!"

Rikonian: "Sure, here ya go!"

[Rikonian tosses the Swanksaber to Anubis. Rik rolls.. a natural 1!! oh no! Anubis tries to dodge out of the way and rolls..

All: Natural 1?! Ouch!

ARGH! he rolls a 1 too! Ok, the Swankswaber cuts Anubis's arm off]

Tee Servo: Well, that's what happens when you roll a natural one

Rikonian: "Whoops!"

AX: He did that on purpose!
Rikronian: No he didn't! He rolled a natural one! It is kinda funny though

Anubis: "Gee.. that suckes..."

Tee Servo: "Suckes?" What the hell is this? An olde english fanfic?

[Anubis reaches down and tries to stick the arm back on. unfortunatly, he just now remembvers that he is not an all powerful necromancer, but just a little country bumpkin who can't do jack]

Rikronian: Haha
AX: It's not funny!
Tee Servo: Yeah it is, kinda

Anubis: "What now?"

Rikonian: "Errr.. here"

[Rikonian rolls for First Aid. He rolls... a 23, ok, he passes. He manages to sergicaly reattach the arm and give Anubis a blood transfusion.]

Rikronian: Yeah, of course he also probably left the scalpel inside the wound

Anubis: "Gee thanks... I didn't know you could do that much with First Aid.."

Rikonian: "yeah, don't mention it.. it's just kind of a minor trick I picked up. And really, nobody cares if I cheat to heal you. It doesn't matter"

Tee Servo: Actually no one cares if you heal him period!
AX: Hey come on! XyWalker is a cool character! Right Rikronian?
Rikronian: I guess...

Anubis: "I guess.."

Rikronian: Dammit! Quit stealing my lines!

[Anubis then reaches down and gets the Swanksaber and turns it on]

Anubis: "Nifty!"

Rikonian: "Tell me about it.."

Tee Servo *As XyWalker*: Well, it's a cylindrical object with all these crystals and lenses and stuff and...

[Anyway, blah blah blah, they go back and find that Anubis uncle and aunt decided to take off for Los Vega (the big gambling hotspot in the galaxy) in the Alpha Prime system because they got sick of playing lousy backup characters while some dumbass was the star, and wanted to make some quick bucks.]

Anubis: "No!! I'll get revenge on the Empire for making gambling legal! I'll go with you Rikonain! Well save the galaxy and all of that!!"

AX: These guys? Save the galaxy? They couldn't even save a coke bottle
Rikronian: Why would you need to save a coke bottle?
AX: Uh, for recycling and stuff
Rikronian: Recycling is for hippies!

[Ok, more blah blah blah.. they go into Mos Eisley and are stopped by a couple Stormaxers]

Stormaxer1: "We need to see your identification"

Rikonian: "You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along... move along"

Stormaxer1: "No sir, I am afraid you don't understand. See, I work for the police. Old Jedi mind tricks won't work. We need to see your identification."

Rikronian (As Stormaxer): yeah! See right here? It says that report directly to Sting! So there!

Rikonian: "Damnit!! I left it in my other pants"

Rikronian: He's wearing pants under that robe?

Stormaxer1: "yeah yeah yeah... right you did gramps. We're impounding your vehicle. You can't drive without a liscense."

[The Stormaxers tow off the car and leave Rikonian and Anubis stranded in Mos Eisley]

Rikonian: "Crap, it didn't work...."

Anubis: "Damnit! That was my car!!"

All: Oooh! Big loss!

Rikonian: "Sorry.. for some reason it didn't work this time..."

Rikronian: Maybe you shouldn't try the "Old Jedi Mind Trick" while recovering from a hangover

[The drive off and park by a cantena. They go on in and see a bunch of weird aliens and stuff. Swanky music plays in the background. The two go up to the bar. Dr. Orion and Ponda Guyver are there. Guyver makes some weird sounds in his throat.]

Anubis: "What?"

Dr. Orion: "He doesn't like you.... I don't like you. I have the death sentence on 12 systems"

Tee Servo: Oh yeah big shot! Well I uh, I got a warning letter from Columbia House! So don't mess with me!

Anubis: "I'll be careful"

Dr. Orion: "You'll be dead!"

Tee Servo and Rikronian: Go Orion! Go Orion! Go Orion! Go Orion!
AX: (menacingly) Uh guys...
Tee Servo and Rikronian: Uh we mean Go XyWalker!
Rikronian: Yeah! XyWalker Texas Ranger!

Rikonian: "Now now, if you want to kill this poor smuck so bad, do it. I'm not gonna interfear."

Tee Servo: Damn Kro, you were right, this old dude is cool!
AX: HEY!!!

Anubis: "Hey!!! You're not supposed to say that!!"

[The two open fire on Anubis. Fortunatly, they both roll natural 1s. Their guns blow up in the hands. They fall to the floor and slowly bleed to death]

Rikonian: "Damn I knew I should've hired someone with better credentials. anyway, I met this guy who says his friend is a pilot"

[Blah blah blah, they go and make a deal with Tan Mosso and Chedopacca. AnubisXy, Rikonian and Chedopacca all leave the bar. As Tan Mosso is getting up, Flasheedo comes in. He says some
weird stuff that is subtitled in. Then Mosso blasts him and goes out to the ship where he finds Anubis, Rikonian and Chedopacca wating]

Tan Moss: "ok.. here is the fastest ship in the galaxy!"

Anubis: "What a hunk of junk!"

Tan Moss: "Yo dumbass, look over here. Your looking at the port-o-potties.."

AX: Hey! Those aren't hunks of junk! Why one of those is Dr. Who's ship!

Anubis: "Oh... whoops, nevermind"

[Anubis looks at the ship]

Anubis: "Geeze thats even worse!! I'd rather fly in the port-o-pottie"

Tee servo: Yeah me too. The weird British guy just bangs on the panel and you're there

Tan Moss: "Shut up kid or you'll have to walk to Alderran.."

Anubis: "if I walk to Alderran, I'll get there to late to stop the Death Star from blowing up Yavin 4 and killing eveyone on the Rebellion. Thus you can't deny me a ride"

Tan Moss: "Oh yeah? Wanna bet?"

[He starts to walk off. Suddenly another spoon flies from off camera and smacks Tan the the privates. A couple minutes later (when he can move) he stands up and walks back]

Rikronian: Tee, if you say "SPOOOONN!!" again, I will rip your gumball machine head off
Tee Servo: OK: FOOOORRRK!!!
Rikronian: Hey! Fuu---MPPH MPPHH
AX: Dammit Kro! Watch it!

Tan Moss: (In a high pitched voice) "Ok kid, you gotta deal."

[The spaceship takes off and heads into deep space. Everyone is having a crappy time.

Tee: Oh! They DID take the porta potties

Suddenly they hit the remains of Alderron, and wind up getting sucked into the Death Star.]

AX: Hey! Nothing picks up a dragging party like the death of billions of innocent people and planetary destruction!
Tee Servo: YOu would say that you freaking necromancer!
AX: Ah ahah! I now wish to be called a necroswanker

And thats all for today! I'll write up the next part (the part where they are in the Death Star tomarrow.. or maybe later today) anyway everyone, hope you enjoy it..

Mayor of Swankytown

Rikronian: ... was caught in a hotel room with two hookers and a lot of crack. He still got reelected though

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