The Cast

Princess Leia: Anya - Princess Anya
Darth Vader: Cybermessiah - Cyber Vader
C-3PO: Gryphon - G-3Ryphono
R2-D2: Ottergame - Otter2-D2
Luke Skywalker: AnubisXy - Anubis Xywalker
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Rikonain - Obi-Wan Rikonian
Han Solo: Tee-Moss - Tan Mosso
Chewbacca: Edopode - Chedopacca
Stormtroopers: Stormax (duh) - Stormaxers
Captain Khurgee (he was in charge of the scanning crew): Ronin - Captain Roningee
Lieutenant Shann Childsen (the guy who is in charge of the jail and gets shot while the good guys are freeing Leia): Gideon - Leitenant Shann Gideonsen
Chief Bast (Moff Tarkins little henchman): Rob - Chief Rob
Grand Moff Tarkin: Michael Tong - Grand Moff Tong
That monster in the garbage masher: BazookaMon - BazookaMon
Honerable Mention
(These people are mentioned, but not actually in this scene)

Vinnie the Pimp: Vinnie - Vinnie the Pimp
Emporer: ??????? - Emporer

[Scene opens up inside the Death Star. Grand Moff Tong and Cyber Vader are standing there. A porthole shows that the Death Star is very close to Alderrant (Princess Anyas homeworld.)]

Grand Moff Tong: "Welcome Princess"

Princess Anya: "Moff Tong... I smelled your foul stench when I came on board. "

Grand Moff Tong: "Funny, I just took a bath three years ago... You have been brought here to witness this battlestation's first fireing. In a way, you have chosen the planet that will be destroyed."

Princess Anya: "Huh?"

Grand Moff Tong: "Since you refuse to tell us where the Rebel Base is, we are going to destroy your home planet of Alderant"

Princess Anya: "No! Alderant is a swanky planet! Without it, much of the swank in the galaxy will be destroyed"

Grand Moff Tong: "Of course.. that is the point. Swank must be stomped out. Gotten rid of. There is no room for it in the Emporers New Order."

Princess Anya: "No! You can't!"

Grand Moff Tong: "Then name the system"

Princess Anya: "Alright alright alright already! All them hipsters are jiving on Dantooine already ok? They're on Dantooine"

Grand Moff Tong: "See Cyber, I told you she would relent."

[Grand Moff Tong turns to Chief Rob]

Grand Moff Tong: "You may fire when ready."

Cyber Vader: "Err.. just a moment. Please don't destroy Alderrant"

Grand Moff Tong: "Why not?"

Cyber Vader: "Well.. I mean, you know what I look like under my suit right? And you know that when I take off my mask I'm not really a chick magnet anymore. So well.. I kinda go to Vinnie's House of Whores... and well..."

Grand Moff Tong: "You too!!!! Oh man, I thought I was the only guy in the empire who was forced to do that.. well, in that case, we won't blow up Alderrant. I guess we could go blow up some other planet... how about Alderrants moon?"

Cyber Vader: "Sounds good to me!"

Princess Anya: "No! You can't! The moon has been in our history for thousands of years! The people won't like it if you do it... Vinnie won't like it!"

Cyber Vader: "Damn.. she's right you know... and angering Vinnie would be a bad thing..."

Grand Moff Tong: "Oh very well.. how about if we blow up that planet off over there?"

Princess Anya: "Oh, thats ok, it always blocked my view of the crab nebula, and I don't think Vinnie likes it to much either."

[The gun goes BOOM! And blows up the planet]

Grond Moff Tong: "There.. haha! This station is the ultimate power in the universe... next to the Force and Vinnies displeasure of course... hmm.. actually, maybe this station isn't so ultimate..."

[Ok... they stuff Anya in a prison cell and find out that she lied. The Rebel base isn't really on Dantooine. They get ticked off and are going to execute her. Thats where Anubis Xywalker, Obi-Wan Rikonian, Han Mosso, Chedopacca, G-3Ryphono, and Otter2-D2 come into play. They are just kinda bopping along when they hit this asteroid field (created by the planet that got blown up). Things go downhill from there and they wind up in the Death Star. Several Stormaxers are sent into ths ship. They wander around for a bit but don't see anything. Suddenly, the floor plates rise up and Tan Mosso, Rikonian, Anubis Xywalker and Chedopacca come out.]

Tan Mosso: "I should never have agreed this old fool."

Rikonian: "Who is the bigger fool? The fool or the fool who follows him?"

Chedopacca: ROAR!! (Translation): "The old deaf Jedi Knight who was a general but now dresses like a street begger and talks in weird riddles that make no sense."

Tan Mosso: "Yeah, say it again Chedo"

[Ok, outside, Captain Roningee is standing there. He orders his scanning crew onboard and then goes upstairs to look at the newest edition of Swank Magazine. Anyway, the heros beat the crud out of Stormaxers and put on their uniforms. Then they head upstairs and Roningee opens the door. Han Mosso blows him away with a blaster shot to the chest (sorry Ronin! I know your part sucks, but someone has to do it). Otter2-D2 plugs into the computerbank and finds a way to shut off the tractor beam so the ship can take off.]

Rikonian: "Ok.. I'll go shut off the tractor beam. You guys stay here and don't get into trouble ok?"

Anubis: "But I wanna come with you!"

Rikonian: "You dumbass!! You'll die, and while that wouldn't be such a bad thing in and of itself, the whole movie would end, and nobody wants that."

Tan Mosso (mumbles): "Huh.. think again you deaf old fart."

Rikonian: "What was that? I couldn't hear you."

Tan Mosso: "Good, you weren't supposed to."

Rikonian: "Anyway, see you all later. We all have different fates and mine is gonna be a rather horrible and nasty one."

[So, Rikonian goes to turn off the tractor beams. Suddenly Otter2-D2 starts hopping around and making little noises]

Anubis: "Whats he saying?"

G-3ryphano: "He's saying he's found her, and keeps repeating she's here."

Anubis: "Who's here?"

G-3ryphano: "The Princess"

Anubis: "Princess?"

G-3ryphano: "Yes, that girl in the video"

Anubis: "You mean that chick?? Where is she??"

G-3ryphano: "In the detention center. She's going to be executed"

Anubis: "Well we gotta rescue her! Come on Tan Mosso!"

Tan Mosso: "Hey, I don't wanna do that... I might die."

Anubis: "She's beautiful... you might get laid."

Tan Mosso: "Huh... you really think so?"

Anubis: "No, actually I don't... but you can always hope!"

[Ok, so Anubis, Tan Mosso and Chedopacca all decide to go rescue Anya. They try the old "Pretend the wookie is a captive so we can get into the jail, but don't lock the manicles, so he can kick ass when he needs to" trick. They go into the jail. Leitenant Shann Gideonsen stands there. He looks at Chedopacca.]

Leitenant Shann Gideonsen: "Where are you taking this.. thing?"

Tan Mosso: "Prisoner transfer from.. umm.. sector.. er.. ahh.. ABC123"

Leitenant Shann Gideonsen: "I wasn't informed.. let me check it out."

[Suddenly, Mosso pulls out a blaster and kills Leitenant Shann Gideonsen (Sorry Gideon!). They wind up trashing the place. Anyway, they make it to the Princess' cell. Unfortunatly, they wind up being attacked by like 30 Stormaxers. They finally have to leap into the garbage chute.]

Anubis, Tan Mosso, Chedopacca and Princess Anya in unison: "Yuck! Ew!! Icky!"

[Suddenly a huge tentacle pops out and grabs Anubis and pulls him under.]

Tan Mosso: "Yay! He's dead he's dead!!!"

[Tan Mosso starts singing the song, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from the Wizard of Oz. Princess Anya smacks him upside the head and tells him to shut up and find Anubis. Suddenly, Anubis pops up to the surface. He is wrapped in a tentacle from the BazookaMon]

Anubis: "Help help help! It's got me! SAAAAAVE me!!"

Tan Mosso: "Me, save you? Yeah right you pathetic worm."

[Princess Anya leaps into the water and begins wrestling with BazookaMon. Within seconds she has kicked its butt and sent it back to whatever sad, sorry, sick hole it oozed out of]

Anubis: "My hero!! You saved me!!"

[Anubis grabs Anya in a tight hug]

Princess Anya: "You wuss! get off of me! You're supposed to be the hero... god, I don't believe what I am doing for you..."

Anubis: "Oh err.. thanks anyway"

[Suddenly, the garbage smashes start. The walls start to close in on the helpless party.]

Anubis: "Ack!!!"

Princess Anya: "Eeep!"

Chedopacca: ROAR!!! (translation): "ARGH!!!"

Tan Mosso: "AHHHH!"

[Anyway, the walls continue closing in. Suddenly Anubis gets a bright idea and calls G-3ryphono up on his comlink]

Anubis: "G-3ryphano! Help us! We're gonna get smash-ed!"

G-3ryphano: "Your point?"

Anubis: "Shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level!!"

G-3ryphano: "Why should I? All you ever say is, 'G-3ryphano, do this' and, 'G-3ryphano, do that,' and I am getting real sick of it. You'd better give me a good reason."

Anubis: "Because we're gonna DIE!!!"

G-3ryphano: "Not good enough"

Anubis: "Umm.. we'll hook you up with some swanky hot droid chick when we get out?"

G-3ryphano: "Huh.. you think I need any help getting swanky hot droid chicks? Think again.."

Anubis: "I'll give you a bunch of cash!"

G-3ryphano: "Ok.. now we're talking"

[He tells Otter2-D2 to shut down all the garbage smashers. Otter2-D2 makes some noises, but doesn't make any movements.]

G-3ryphano: "Hey, Otter2-D2 here says he wants a cut in on the cash as well... he also says he wants 2 swanky hot droid chicks"

Anubis: "Whatever!! Just turn them off already!!!"

G-3ryphano: "...actually, 2 swanky hot droid chicks sounds kinda good to me too..."

Anubis: "ARGH!! I'll give you 10!! Just turn them off!!"

[At this point, Otter2-D2 turns off the garbage smashers (just in the nick of time too!!). Anyway, the two droids head down to wait by the spaceship. Meanwhile Rikonian is bravely wandering around the space station, using his abilities in the Force to keep the guards off his track. He manages to shut down one of the tractorbeams, and then begins heading back towards the ship. Suddenly, he stops and turns around. There stands Cyber Vader.]

Cyber Vader: "You should not have returned old man."

Rikonian: "Why not?"

Cyber Vader: "Because your a senile deaf old fool, thats why!!!"

Rikonian: "What was that? Speak up sonny, I couldn't hear you and I forgot my hearing aid."

Cyber Vader: "Argh! Nevermind! The circle is complete, now I am the master"

Rikonian: "Only a master of evil Cyber"

Cyber Vader: "That may be, but it's better than being a master of jack$hit"

Rikonian: "Ok... yeah, I'll give you that. However it's not as cool as being a master of swank like AnubisXy is! (Sorry about that.. couldn't help it! ^_^)"

Cyber Vader: "Whatever old fool, now you will die you old man!"

[Cyber Vader walks toward Rikonian with his sword drawn. Meanwhile, Anubis, Chedopacca, Tan Mosso, and Princess Anya are running around the station blasting everything in site. It seems that the heros continuously roll natural 20s and the Stormaxers all roll 1s. None of the good guys get hit (poor Stormaxers get hit quite a bit though), and the heros manage to meet out by the ship. They turn and look, and see Cyber Vader and Rikonian locked in combat. The two go through several fancy combat manuevers. Then Rikonian looks over and notices Anubis.]

Rikonian: "DAMNIT! You're still alive??? How is that possible??"

[Cyber Vader takes advantage of Rikonians surprise and easily kills the poor deaf old guy]

Anubis: "YES!!!!!!!!!!"

[Suddenly, all the guards turn and begin fireing at Anubis and his friends. Again, they all roll straight 1s and Anubis rolls a couple 20s. Finally however, they manage to make it on board. Tan Mosso pilots the ship off. There is a small skirmish with some Tie-fighters, but nothing to big. They manage to make it to Yavin 4 (where the real rebel base is).]

And so ends part II of Star Wars: A New Hope meets the Rifts Board (and AnubisXy's weird humor). I hope everyone enjoyed this exciting sequel to the last post, and will stay tuned for the next and final episode in the thrilling conclusion!


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