Episode V
The Empire Swanks Back

The Cast

Princess Leia: Anya - Princess Anya
Darth Vader: CyberMessiah - Cyber Vader
C-3PO: Gryphon - G-3Ryphono
R2-D2: Ottergame - Otter2-D2
Luke Skywalker: AnubisXy - Anubis Xywalker
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Rikonain - Obi-Wan Rikonian
Han Solo: Tee-Moss - Tan Mosso
Chewbacca: Edopode - Chedopacca
Whompa Ice Creature: BazookaMon: BazookaMon Ice Creature.
Stormtroopers: Stormax (duh) - Stormaxers
Captain Piett: Gideon (because he got a crappy part last time) Captain Gideon
Admiral Ozzel: Star Marshal Kibble: Admiral Kibble
General Veers: Goodyear: General Goodyear

It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their base and presued them across the Galaxy.

Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, and a group of freedom fighters led by Anubis Xywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Thoth

The evil lord Cyber Vader, obsessed with finding young Xywalker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space.

[Scene opens up. An Imperial Star Destroyer is flying through space. Suddenly it releases dozens of probes. One of them lands on the planet Thoth, creating a large explosion. The probe suddenly gets up, starts hovering, and begins chanting, “All Hail the Cyber Vader.”]

[Switch scene. Anubis XyWalker is riding an animal that is clearly a claymation type thing. He looks aroudn and suddenly sees an asteroid hit. He pulls out his comlink.]

Anubis Xywalker: “Gecko3 to Gecko5, come in Tan, you read me?”

Tan Mosso: “Unfortunatly kid unfortunatly. Now what the hell do you want? I’m busy.”

Anubis: “There’s a meteor that hit the ground near here. I wanna check it out. I won’t take long.”

Tan: “So why the hell are you telling me? Christ kid, I hope that meteor is an imperial droid and it fries your sorry ass.”

Anubis: “Hey! That’s not nice! Why are you so mean to me?”

Tan: “Because, you are a dumbass.”

Anubis: “Oh…………… HEY!!!”

[Tan rides off on his Claymation Animal. Suddenly, a BazookaMon Ice Creature rears up and smacks Anubis upside the head! Anubis falls to the ground and the BazookaMon kills off the Claymation Animal! The BazookaMon drags Anubis by his feet (incidentally banging his head on some rocks]

[Switch scene to the secret Reble Base. Tan rides in there on his Claymation Animal and walks over to where Chedopacca is working on the Millenium Faulcen. Chedo cusses Tan out for being late, and Tan goes off to report in. He walks up to some NPC guy.]

Tan: “Well, the sensors are in place. You’ll know if anything comes by.”

NPC Commander: “Bodacious! Has Anubis Xywalker reported in yet?”

Tan “Not that I know of. He’s checking out a meteor that landed nearby.”

NPC Commander: “With any luck another one will land on his head.”

Tan: “Damn right. Anyway guy, I gotta take off. I got a price on my head. I gotta pay of Jabba or else.”

NPC Commander: “Alright, a head isn’t an easy thing to live with. You’re a good fighter Mosso, I hate to lose you.”

Tan: “Yo dumbass, I’m not SELLING Jabba my head, I am going to give him some cash!”

NPC Commander: “Oh… well… uhh… huh..”

[Tan walks over to Princess Anya]

Tan: “Well your highness, I guess this is it.”

Anya: “Yeah, I guess it is…”

Tan: "Well don't get all mushy on me."

[Tan walks out and Anya follows him]

Tan: “Bah, you just want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.”

Anya: “What? What are you saying?”

Tan: “Give us a kiss!”

Anya: “I’d just as soon kiss CyberMessiah!”

[Suddenly, Tan begins to shake horribly.]

Tan: “Ugh, you don’t mean that do you?”

Anya: “Ugh no, not at all… I don't know what came over me”

Tan: “Good…”

[Tan continues walking back to his ship.]

[Switch scene. G3-ryphano and Otter2-D2 are cruising through the base in their Lowrider, trying to pick up droid chicks.]

G3-Ryphano: “You know something Otter?”

[Otter2-D2 makes some weird noises]

G3-Ryphano: “Anubis Xywalker never did get us those Swankyhot droid chicks. You know what this means don’t you?”

[Otter2-D2 nods]

G3-Ryphano: “Revenge! How dare he lie to us! We’re going to get even with him for that!”

[G3-Ryphano and Otter2-D2 pull up beside Tan Mosso and Chedopacca. The two are screaming and yelling at one another.]

G3-Ryphano: “Yo, Princess Anya has been tyring to contact you on the comunicater.”

Tan: “I don’t wanna talk to her. She said she wants to kiss CyberMessiah.”

[Otter2-D2’s head suddenly starts spinning around and suddenly smoke starts coming out of him.]

Tan: “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Anyway, what does she want?”

G3-Ryphano: “She is holding a party because Anubis Xywalker still hasn’t come back yet.”

Tan: “Alright! He got hit in the head with a meteorite! Haha, hot damn!”

G3-Ryphano: “Well, we aren’t sure he is gone.. it’s possible though.”

Tan: “What? What do you mean it’s possible? I want to know for sure!”

[Tan races out and gets on a Ton-Ton and starts taking it outside]

G3-Ryphano: “Where are you going?”

Tan: “To see Anubis’ body for myself!”

G3-Ryphano: “But sir, your Ton-Ton will freeze before you reach the first marker!”

Tan: “Then I’ll see you in hell!”

[Tan races outside to make sure Anubis is really dead.]

[New Scene. Anubis Xywalker is hanging by his feet upside down. He looks around for a bit.]

Anubis: “Oh crap.”

[Suddenly, AnubisXy sees his Swanksaber on the floor. Using the Swank, he manages to summon it to him. He activates the Swanksaber and cuts himself free. Suddenly, the BazookaMon sees him and attacks!]

BazookaMon: “ROAR!!!”

Anubis: “OH MY GOD!!!”

[Anubis tries to stab BazookaMon with the lightsaber and rolls… ok, he rolls a 12 to attack. The BazookaMon manages a 18 to dodge. Next combat round. The BazookaMon attacks Anubis with a.. wow, a modified 27! Anubis tries to parry… WOW! Natural 20! Ok, Anubis got REAL lucky this time. Next round. Anubis attacks.. wow, a 2… ok, the BazookaMon laughs at the wussy attack roll and parries with… OUCH! A natural 1! Ok, the BazookaMon suddenly stops laughing as it’s arm is chopped off! Anubis, scared $hitless now, runs outside the cave. Suddenly he falls down and starts freezing to death. Abruptly, Obi-Wan Rikonian appears!!]

Obi-Wan Rikonain: “Anubis… Anubis….”

[Anubis looks up]

Anubis: “Ben… Ben…?”

Obi-Wan: “Hahaha you dumbass! Now you are going to die!! Hahaha! Man, won’t Yoda be happy now?”

Anubis: “Yoda?”

Rikonian: “Yeah, he lives out on Dagobah.. he is the Jedi Master who trained me… but that doesn’t matter because now you will die!”

[Anubis reaches up, but sudenlly Tan Mosso appears riding on a Claymation Animal. He sees Anubis lying on the floor and starts dancing around.]

Tan: “He’s dead! He’s dead! Now what horrible things can I do to his corpse…. I know!”

[Suddenly the Ton-Ton drops over dead, so Tan pulls out the Swanksaber and chops the Ton-Ton open. Then he stuffs Anubis’ body inside]

Tan: “Hehe.. he would be pi$$ed knowing I did that… oh well, gotta go build the shelter..”

[Next morning some ships drop by and rescue Tan and Anubis. They take them back to base. There Anubis is found to still be alive. They decide to heal him in order to subject him to horrible torture later on. Tan and Anya have a fight and then go out side. There they are met by the NPC Captain.]

NPC Captain: “Princes… Tan… we have a visitor.”

Anya and Tan at the same time: “Oh?”

NPC Captain: “Yeah, we don’t know what the hell it is. Why don’t you and Chedo go check it out?”

Anya: “Ok, Chedo, come with me.”

Tan: “Hey! Wait, Chedo is MY partner.. he’s commin with me!”

NPC Captain: “Why don’t you all go?”

Princess and Tan: “Ok..”

[Change scene.. the three heros are out there when suddenly the droid appears. They take pot shots at one another before Tan puts it down with a well placed blaster shot. Then he calls back to base.]

Tan: “Ok, that was a probe droid allright. The Empire knows we are here.”

[Change scene. A half dozen imperial Star Destroyers and a Super Star Destroyer all float through space. The Imperial March music plays. Cyber Vader is marching around on the ship, and some of his lackies are standing around. Suddenly, some minor nobody calls out to Admiral Kibbel. Kibbel goes over and sees Captain Gideon standing there.]

Gideon: “Sir, we have picked up a message from one of the probes in the Thoth system.”

Kibble: “Bah, don’t be rediculous!”

[Suddenly Vader walks down there.]

Cyber Vader: “What have you found?”

Kibble: “Nothing Lord Vader… well…”

Gideon: “We found these settlements on the Thoth planet.”

[Gideon calls up some pictures on the computer.]

Vader: “They are there.. and Xywalker is with them.”

[Scene change again. Back in the Thoth base, everyone is getting ready to go. Xywalker walks over to Chedopacca.]

Anubis: “Excuse me, but where’s the bathroom? I gotta go… bad…”

[Chedo points off over somewhere and Anubis starts heading in that direction. Suddenly one of the techs runs out, grabs Anubis and stuffs him in an X-Wing.]

Anubis: “WAIT! I gotta go to the bathroom! Damnit, not again!”

[Switch scene yet again. The Imperial fleet is flying throug hyperspace. Suddenly, Cyber Vader appears. He is sitting in some kind of meditation chamber talking to General Goodyear.]

Goodyear: “Lord, we have detected an energy field around the 6th planet in the Thoth System.”

Vader: “Admiral Kibble has brought the fleet out of Hyperspace too close to the system. He is as clumsy as he is stupid. General Goodyear, prepare your troops for a ground assault.”

Goodyear: “Yes Lord.”

[Goodyear leaves and Vader turns on a screen. There Admiral Kibble and Captain Gideon are standing. Admiral Kibble turns towards the screen.]

Kibble: “Ahh, Lord Vader, the ships have come out of hyperspa…ce… an…”

[Suddenly he begins to choke.]

Vader: “You have failed me for the last time Admiral. Captain Gideon.”

Gideon: “Yes Lord?”

Vader: “You are now in command. Admiral”

Gideon: “Uhh.. thank you Lord Vader.”

[Then the screen goes black and we switch to a new scene.]

Ok, to see how everything is looking on Thoth, go take a look at the cover or Rifts Canada. Basically, that’s what it looks like. Anyway, lets make this short. The Imprial Walkers are walking along when all of a sudden, Rogue Group flies out. Some how or another, Anubis somehow got into Rogue Leaders snow speeder! Uh oh, it looks like he’s in charge. The speeders shoot the walkers, but not too much happens so they start using harpoons. Anubis’ gunner, Ahab is quite good. He manages to take down 2 walkers. Anyway, worst comes to worst and Anubis crashes and Ahab gets smashed by a Walker. Meanwhile in the base, the Imperials march on in led by Cyber Vader. Tan grabs the princess, G3-Ryphano, and Chedopacca and takes them all in the falcon. They blast off for outerspace. Meanwhile, Anubis hops into an X-wing (He is trying to get the hell out of there) and takes off as well. He announces to Otter20D2 (his co-pilot) that they are going to Dagobah.

Alright, in outerspace, the Falcon is being chased by no less than 3 Imperial Star Destroyers and a squad of ties. Without much choice, they are forced to fly into a big hole. What will happen in this hole? Will it turn out to have a giant mutant space slug? Will Anubis even make it to Dagobah? Will he meet Yoaura? The world may never know… but you will if you stay tuned for the next exciting episode, in our ongoing series, Swank Wars!!!


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